Saying yes and meaning no

I was doing some creativity training in Tokyo with a mixed group of Japanese and European expats, when one of the British expats, agitated, said: “The problem with you Japanese is that you never tell the truth…”

Needless to say, this did not go down well. I encouraged him to say some more about what he was thinking.

“Well, you guys have a hundred ways of saying yes when you mean no,” he blundered on.

In the break I said to him: “But don’t you know that we do too?”

He was unconvinced.

Here are some of them:

“I agree with you in principle.”
“I hear what you say.”
“That’s very interesting.”
“Yes…” with slight note of doubt.
“Ho, ho, ho – that’s a good one.”
“That’s such a brave idea.”
“That would be excellent…”
“Let’s appoint a task force.”
“We definitely need to think some more about this.”
“Yes, but…”

By the way, it’s not only the Japanese and the British who do this…

Do you have some favourites?

But-people

The British are not alone in having a hundred ways of saying “Yes” when we mean “No”.

One of the most effective (and irritating) is the “Yes, but…” formulation, especially when it’s used in response to hearing a new idea for the first time. It has the trappings of positive response, with the sting in the tail. It can sound open-minded without being.

In 1934 the Czech writer, Karel Capek, wrote a piece entitled “About But-people”:

“If you tell them that two twos are four, they will promptly reply with a certain superiority ‘Yes, but, my friend, two threes are six’,” wrote Capek. “Whereupon they leave you feeling satisfied they didn’t yield a point.”

But-people, he concludes, “are by nature poor conductors, so the passing of communication disappears in them.”

“Yes, and…” can be so much more useful - often leading to productive problem-solving.